Hi Reader,

"I'm fine."

It's what we say when we're anything but.

Around 7 pm most nights, if someone asks how I'm doing, out it comes. Fine. My jaw is tight. My answers are getting shorter. And I'm telling everyone (myself included) that I'm fine.

My kids notice too. They'll say, "Mama, you look frustrated." And most of the time they are right.

I've left my window of tolerance.

The window of tolerance is the zone where we can think clearly, process our emotions, and handle everyday stressors without feeling overwhelmed or shut down.

Inside the window, a spilled cup is a spilled cup. Above it (when we're in fight or flight), we snap. Below it, we shut down, go numb, or mindlessly scroll.

Not enough sleep, a noisy environment, hunger, a long day with a lot of questions and interruptions... all of it can shrink the window. By 7 pm, mine is a sliver.

Here's what I wish someone had told me years ago: a regulated nervous system doesn't mean being calm all the time. We all leave the window. Nervous system regulation, starting with curiosity ("How big is my window right now?"), is how we get back.

On nights it's small, I plan for it. When they were littler, I moved bedtime up (more on that here). My kids know I have a harder time after dinner and need "space in my face" at bedtime. I use their showers as a time for quiet and slow, deep breathing.

And I wear earplugs at storytime. Yeah, really. (It's better than snapping over teeth grinding and loud breathing.)

Now when they notice that I look frustrated, I take a breath, and usually say something like, "Not frustrated, sweetie, but a little overwhelmed. You know how the evenings sometimes get for me." I look at their sweet little faces, try to soften my own, and remind myself that I am safe, even if it is a bit loud.

If you want to know what's happening in your body when you leave the window, I wrote about the five stress responses here. And if you want to know what helps a body come back, I wrote about feeling safe in your body here.

Yours in coming back to calm,

P.S. On Wednesday, November 18, I'm teaching a free live class: The Reason You Yell at Your Kids. We'll talk about the window, the alarm, and what to do in the moment. You can save your spot here.​