Hi Reader,

Last email, I mentioned I was going to talk about what a lion and a missing sock have in common:

Your body can't tell them apart.

Our bodies have an alarm system, and it's older than language. It was built to keep our ancestors alive long before there were soccer games, school mornings, or difficult colleagues.

It scans for danger all day. When it senses a threat, it doesn't stop to assess. It acts.

A lion in the grass, a screaming toddler on the kitchen floor, an earthquake, or a missing sock when we're running late to a soccer game all send the same message: get ready.

Our hearts speed up, our jaws tighten, our breath goes shallow. Blood flows to our muscles to prep us to fight back or run.

For most of human history, this system has been successful at keeping us safe (and it still is when we're in real danger).

Most of our threats look different now. There isn't a lion in the grass stalking us. Instead, we run late, have deadlines, and live with loud little mess makers who need us constantly. And our alarm systems haven't been updated for any of this.

We know the missing sock isn't dangerous, but the alarm is fast and the thinking brain is slower. By the time it catches up, our blood pressure is already up and we sound frustrated.

We become dysregulated when the alarm system continuously takes the lead and we don't have time to move out of this alert state. And it fires more easily when we're stressed or overwhelmed. So after hours of noise and questions and interruptions and messes, something as small as a missing sock can set it off. On a well-rested morning, it's just a missing sock.

This isn't a fix. But knowing it helps with self-compassion and can buy us a few seconds before we react. It reminds us that this is our body's alarm, not a verdict on our mothering, or on our kids' behavior and their inability to keep things where they belong.

What's the missing sock in your house? What's the small thing that sets off an outsized reaction? I'd love to know. Hit reply and tell me.

Yours in self-compassion and learning,

Jess

P.S. If your missing sock is a daily thing, I'm teaching a free class on November 18 about the real reason we yell. You can save your spot here.