Hi Reader,

"It's ok, mama. I forgive you."

My kids say it every time I apologize. Which is a lot.

A while ago, I yelled at my little one. Later, when I'd calmed down, I sat with him and started to apologize.

"I'm so sorry I got angry with you today."

And then I stopped myself.

I wasn't sorry I got angry. Anger is a feeling. I felt how I felt. What I was sorry for was how I handled it.

So I started again. "You know what? I'm not sorry I got angry. I felt angry, and that's ok. What I'm sorry for is that I yelled at you. I shouldn't have done that."

He looked at me and asked, "Why are you not sorry about being angry?"

That question stuck with me. I realized how often I'd apologized for the feeling itself, and what that was teaching him. We don't want our kids to feel bad about having big feelings. So I have to stop feeling bad about mine.

Guilt doesn't make us calmer. If anything, the shame from one hard moment makes the next one harder to handle.

Repair is what helps. Keep it short. Own what you did. Skip the long explanation. "I got loud. That wasn't about you."

Our kids don't need us to never lose it. They need to see what we do after.

I wrote more about what to say after a hard moment (and the words I wish I'd had at Thanksgiving) here.

Yours in repair,

P.S. Repair is one of the things we'll practice in my free live class on Wednesday, November 18: The Reason You Yell at Your Kids. You can save your spot here.​