Hi Reader,

Like all of us, I wish my kids would do what I ask them. On the first (or even third) ask. I wish they’d sleep better too. And eat better, whine less, bicker never …. All of it.

To do this, I’ve bought countless books, followed all the Instagram moms and listened to the (often unsolicited) advice of my relatives. Most of them tell me *exactly* what I need to do to get my kids to do what I want them to.

But what if all of this is backwards?

Most of what we read is all about “fixing” THEM. Changing THEIR behavior. Making THEM do what we want.

There’s a huge problem with this approach:

It puts the entire burden of a peaceful life on our children's behavior

rather than our own motherhood experience.

If having a peaceful home and a calm family life depends on our children always listening, always cooperating, never bickering or whining... we’re setting ourselves up for frustration and failure.

Kids are kids—messy, loud, challenging. Dysegulated, immature, disruptive. And perfectly human, exactly as they are meant to be.

–

After I had my second baby, I had very serious postpartum anxiety and rage. I was frustrated, angry, impatient all the time. Especially with my toddler. I tried to be a gentle parent. I tried so hard to handle and manage his tantrums. I was essentially trying to fix his very normal, 100% age-appropriate behavior. To make things easier on me.

At some point, I realized (as we all do) that I’m not going to be able to fix these meltdowns. No amount of patience (or on the flipside, yelling) would miraculously snap him out of his rage over the injustices of being given the wrong color cup.

It is painful to admit that it took me way too long to realize that I had very little control over his behavior. Acknowledging this and letting go of any delusions I had of control changed my motherhood experience.

When I stopped trying to change THEM and started changing how I showed up as their mom, everything changed.

It wasn't about making them less triggering. It was about making myself less triggered (and figuring out the triggers, finding ways to eliminate or lessen them, breathing through them, and removing myself when possible).

It wasn't about them being "good." It was about me being present.

It wasn't about controlling their world. It was about creating vision and intention in mine.

So much conventional wisdom that tells us good parenting is about having well-behaved kids. And yeah, we all want those, that would be great.

But peaceful motherhood isn't about having perfect children. It's about creating a motherhood that feels good to YOU, even when they’re complete and total a$*!o&es.

When we focus on ourselves rather than controlling our kids’ behavior, something pretty awesome happens:

1. We feel better (and a lot less guilty), regardless of what our kids are doing
2. Our children respond more positively to us
3. Our home and relationships shift from control to connection

We’re not lowering our standards or giving our little ones permission to do whatever they want. We’re not giving up on trying to get our kids to listen and be good humans. We’re recognizing that our peace doesn’t have to depend on their perfection.

(and that our worth as moms is not tied to their behavior, but that’s another topic for another time. Btw, you’re a great mom when your kids get an A+ on their book report and when they have a complete screaming match on the playground.)

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “if they would just …., this would be a lot easier,” I get it. Me too. I know our mornings would be easier if I didn’t have to explain what happens when we don’t brush our teeth (for the 47th time).

I also know that everything is easier when I adjust my perspective and focus on me.

Yours in change,

P.S. If this perspective interests you, I'll be exploring it more in an upcoming workshop: "The Mindful Motherhood Method." I'll talk about how to create a motherhood experience you actually enjoy, not just endure. Details coming soon.